Ep. 28: How To Get What You Want From Your Man

Woman want to be heard, respected, loved, honored, listened to, supported, paid attention to, have their space, feel validated, cherished, noticed, made to feel special, looked at the right way. We want it all.

Ok, so maybe there’s more than ten…

We want a man to notice our new outfit, haircut, shoes or purse. We want him to send us flowers unexpectedly or surprise us when we least expect it. He should plan an adventure and not tell us where we’re going. We want him to look at us in that special way that makes us feel like a Queen. He should know the right thing to say and do in all situations and we want him to be able to protect us if there is a threat or danger nearby. We want him to be smart, good looking, sexy and have great style.

We want all these things and we expect him to know it without having to tell him. He should know what we like and what we want, right?

I’ve heard women say, “If he really knew me and was my soul-mate, he would know what I want and need and I wouldn’t have to tell him.”

We want all these things and don’t think we should have to tell him and then we go so far as to get resentful when he doesn’t do them.

I’m here to tell you that he has no idea what you want and some of these things are the farthest thing from what he “thinks” you want.

 You have to tell a man what you want, period!

Men want to please women more than anything in this world and they want you to tell them what you want and what they can do to make you happy. While you’re lamenting about what he doesn’t do, he’s busy trying to figure out what you need and when you need it. He’s also trying to figure out the right things to say to you. His main focus is you and your happiness and your main focus is what you are not getting from him.

This doesn’t sound fair to me at all and yet I’ve been guilty of this exact thing in a few of my previous relationships, including my marriage.

What I’ve learned in the two years of intensely interviewing men about all aspects of women and relationships is that men need and want to be told how to make a woman happy. It’s a copout to say that men just want sex and nothing more. I completely agree that they want sex, but women toss aside the fact that men have feelings and insecurities just like women do and he would like some reassurance as well. He would like some positive feedback when he does something you like, and he’d like to be told gently but clearly what it is that you would like him to do.

I decided to discuss some of the things that women want because as I was interviewing men and asking about their wants and needs, they kept asking me questions about women and how to make them happy. I found it endearing that these guys were supposed to be telling me their needs and desires and yet so many of them were more focused on how they could make women happy.

I can’t speak for all women but I can tell you that I have not approached all my relationships thinking that I needed to tell the man what I needed and wanted. I have to admit that I was mainly focused on what I wasn’t getting from the guy, or what I wished he would be doing. I believe this comes with age for most of us or maybe you’re lucky enough to have it in your DNA, but most of us have to learn this over time and figure it out as we go. The bottom line is that men want the exact same things as women; they just go about it differently.

It’s interesting to me that for the most part, men focus on how to make women happy and women focus on what they’re not getting from men. And we wonder why relationships can be so difficult for some people.

Even though women want it all and have high expectations of men, we have to realize that men are just as needy and vulnerable as we are and they want it all too. Perhaps we should start asking for what we need from our partner and stop expecting them to read our minds and intuitively know what we want.

-Heidi

Please continue sending your questions about men, women, sex and relationships to: heididoheny@yahoo.com.