Heidi Doheny Jay is an author, blogger, TV Host and published columnist who explores the mysteries of life, relationships and what makes men and women tick.
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Dear men, we’d like to take this opportunity and share some female insight on the most common mistakes you make when creating your online dating profiles. Why would we want to help you? Because as cute and funny and nice as you are, you’re often completely hopeless when it comes to presenting yourselves on the web. As you can see, we do think you’re cute, funny and nice and would like to get to know you better, but your online presentations are so off-putting that not only do they not do you justice, they actually kill your chances of ever going out with a girl who’s truly worthy of your time. If you’re looking to find love online, you simply must read what we have to say about the top 3 mistakes you make in your online dating profiles. Otherwise, you’ll forever wonder what you’re doing wrong and why are you still single in your 30s and 40s, and we’ll stay frustrated because you just don’t get what we want from you!
For the love of God, please don’t post any mirror selfies as your profile pictures. Actually, don’t post mirror selfies anywhere because we’ll definitely Google you once we come across your online dating profile, and if your Facebook or Instagram pops up full of mirror selfies, it will just make us want to puke. Yes, there is no easy way to say this – mirror selfies make any self-respected woman sick to her stomach. They paint a shallow picture of you, portraying you as someone who’s enamored with their physical appearance, sense of style or room décor where said selfie is taken. Plus, if we subsequently figure out that your camera was slightly tilted so that it shows you’re actually taller in the photo than you are in person, you’ll just end up misrepresenting yourself. Why would you do that to yourself when you’re perfectly nice, adorable and desirable? Please don’t answer. This was a rhetorical question that can be forever buried and forgotten if you just stopped posting mirror selfies on your profiles.
We appreciate the fact that men can’t resist half-naked girls showing off their assets in more or less appropriate ways online or offline. We really do. But rest assured when we tell you that there are a time and a place where women want to see half-naked men, and no, that place is not on an online dating site! Kudos to you if you’re ripped, spend hours at the gym every week, eat healthily, and never fall off the wagon, but please, you have to leave something to our imagination! Also, you don’t have to take off half your clothes to show us what you’ve got! Any experienced girl would be able to tell whether you’ve got muscles or a Buddha belly under that shirt! Don’t flaunt it all over the web because it sends us a message that you’re narcissistic and only looking for physical pleasures. Going back to that self-respected woman, if your profile screams of narcissism and physical pleasure you’re just not going to get her attention.
Don’t even get us started on posing next to fast, expensive cars that are not yours! We won’t even waste our time and dignify such behavior with a response. What we want to draw your attention to is how tacky it is to pose next to a fast car or a monster truck (whatever rocks your boat) even if it is yours! First of all, people who are truly wealthy don’t have the need to flaunt their wealth. They know very well how much they’re worth, what they had to do to get to where they are, understand the value of money, and don’t waste it on status symbols. People who are trying to appear wealthy do all those things that draw the attention and hopefully, in their mind, the envy of others by sporting expensive goods all over the place. If you’re truly wealthy, let us find out on the fourth or fifth date and be amazed by how humble and down-to-earth you are. If you’re not, why would you want to look fake? Second of all, your fast, expensive, tuned-up muscle car or whatever you kids call it these days can only impress shallow gold diggers with the self-esteem and self-respect of fresh road kill! If you want a smart, successful, and nice girl to go out with you, you absolutely have to be approachable, easy going, and hold women in high regard no matter how hard it is to resist them! Unfortunately, mirror selfies, half-naked photos, and expensive cars you seem to be impressed with show the exact opposite!
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Let’s face it, we’re all busy and overextended, but making time for intimacy is one of the most important things we can do for our relationship. Not all women enjoy a quickie because typically there isn’t much foreplay involved and most women need a little more time than men to get turned on and to be in the mood for sex. Most of us don’t have any spare time to squeeze sex in, (that’s a blog post in and of itself) so we have to find ways of enjoy a shorter rendezvous to help keep the spark alive.
Here are a few tips to help you appreciate a “Quickie.”
1. Build up the anticipation all day long. Don’t just walk in the door and have “married” sex. Send flirtatious messages throughout the day. Wear your partner’s favorite perfume or cologne. Wear sexy underwear that day or some sort of undergarment that makes you feel sexy. Just because the sex is going to be fast doesn’t mean the build up to it has to be. Men love, and actually prefer, sexy messages throughout the day giving them a peek into what’s in store for them when they get home.
2. Set the mood by making your partner’s favorite meal or bringing home something that means a lot to them. Women aren’t the only ones who enjoy small gestures of thoughtfulness. Men actually prefer this to almost any other type of gift. A small gesture of thoughtfulness will get you plenty of points with both sexes. Do something that you know you’re partner would prefer, not something you wish they’d prefer.
3. Married sex typically consists of taking your clothes off while discussing the day’s events and ending up quickly in the missionary position. Have rules for the quickies that focus on a new position or a new place to have sex. Oftentimes the excitement of having sex somewhere new is enough of a turn on that you quickly forget you’re in the boring missionary position. Perhaps make a rule that quickie sex cannot take place in the bedroom. If you’re feeling adventurous, make a rule that it must take place outside your home. Try role playing or taking turns who gets to pick the position.
Here’s an exercise to try if you’re feeling particularly adventurous:
Tear off three pieces of paper for each person and write down three different things you’ve always wanted to try but were too afraid to ask your partner. Keep them concealed and only pull one out of a hat for the next six quickie sessions. You must agree to be open and try whatever your partner has listed. It helps to set boundaries before you try this. If there are deal breakers for either partner, discuss them before you start this exercise. Otherwise, have fun and be adventurous with this one!
4. Variety is the key to a happy sex life. Men crave variety and spontaneity in their sex lives, especially if they’re married and have children. They also desperately want to connect with the woman they love. Men do this through sex. It’s not about just the sex for them; it’s about the connection. So remember that if he’s bugging you for sex, he’s really trying to say that he’s longing to connect with you and he misses the closeness that only sex can offer (for him).
Keep it light. Keep it fun. And remember, it’s just a quickie. Even one bite of chocolate can taste just as delicious as the entire cake!
-Heidi xo
This week I have a guest post from Singles Warehouse Experts, one of the largest online dating sites in the UK with over 2 million active users.
By Singles Warehouse Experts
It’s easy to forget the basics when you start dating as everything is new and exciting but it’s time to take a step back and review these online dating tips to take into consideration!
Read MoreSeveral months ago I attended the Writer’s Digest Conference in NYC and had a wonderful experience. I had the opportunity to meet some fabulous people during that weekend.
Most of the people I connected with opted to pitch to the fifty or so agents that were in attendance that weekend. We all arrived on that Friday in the late afternoon knowing we had signed up for the pitch segment of the conference
Read MoreEp. 29: The Surprising Self Pleasuring Habits of Women
Everyone assumes that men do it, a lot…but what about women?
A few months ago I wrote about how often men pleasure themselves and what gets them in the mood to do it. I interviewed married and single men to compare their habits and many readers found it very fascinating.
While many people assumed they knew a bit about men’s habits, most people were also curious about women’s habits of self-pleasure.
I typically only research and write about men but I had so many requests from my male readers who wanted to know how often women do it and what they think about while they’re doing it?
It took me several months to get women to respond to questions about their sex lives and many refused to participate due to privacy issues.
Fortunately I was able to find several women who were willing to answer the question:
“How often do you masturbate and what do you think about while doing it?”
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Ok, so maybe there’s more than ten…
Read MoreLast week I had the pleasure of hearing Dr. Ruth Westheimer speak at the National Museum of American Jewish History here in Philadelphia. You may remember her as the sex therapist from the 80’s and 90’s who took the nation by storm with her frank and honest talk about sex.
Her story of triumph and resilience,
Read MoreThis is probably one of the most asked questions by women, about men. Several women have asked me why some guys seem overly ready to commit and it feels like any woman will do, and other guys seem terrified at the mere thought of commitment.
During my interviews I asked men this question:
Read MoreThis question has come up several times since I began interviewing men and because this is the six month anniversary of Sex, Lust & Love, I thought it would be a good time to explore the topic.
When I began researching masturbation on the Internet I came across an article in Cosmo where they interviewed four twenty something year old men about their masturbation habits. One of the questions they asked men was if they preferred masturbation or traditional sex?
Read MoreSo you think you want to try opening up your relationship. Maybe you have thought about this for a long time but never ventured into trying it. Maybe it is a new thought. Maybe your partner brought it up and surprised you (for better or worse). Whatever has triggered your interest, you are now thinking about non-monogamy.
You are starting at a good place. Reading about non-monogamy and polyamory is useful, whether you are trying it for the first time or you have been practicing it your whole life. We are not born knowing how to have adult romantic relationships. This is something you learn over time and through lots and lots of mistakes.
Read MoreThe advice that most of us are given when we’re trying to make an important decision is to weigh the pros and cons and to think about our options.
When it comes to determining what’s best for us, we don’t always pay attention to how we’re feeling. We’ve been taught to think our decisions over and use logic to help us decide.
This week I thought I’d share a personal story about a time when I should have listened to how I was feeling, but instead, I listened to my thoughts and mental chatter.
There were many bells and whistles that went off prior to my wedding day but I was unable to see them and brushed them off as “wedding nerves.”
Read MoreIt’s not uncommon for some men to stay friends with their ex-girlfriends and often, their new or current girlfriend wonders why he would stay friends with his ex.
I think many women believe it’s for the purpose of either sex or just in case things don’t work out with the current woman, then he has someone to fall back on.
I was curious what men would tell me about this topic so I asked them:
Read MoreWhile most of us have heard the term Polygamy, think Mormons, far fewer have heard of Polyamory.
Polygamy is defined as many marriages, while Polyamory… many loves.
What’s the difference between having a girlfriend and having a sexual escapade on the side, and Polyamory? One is usually considered cheating due to the lying that takes place, and the other is being open, honest, accepting and communicating.
Read MoreWomen have forever scrutinized their bodies based on what’s considered hot in Hollywood or the news. American models have gone from an average size 8 to an emaciated size 0. Who drives this, I’m not sure, but the majority of men do not want a skinny woman who resembles Olive Oyl. They may like her sweet nature and the way she loves Popeye, but they don’t find her body type all that attractive.
Considering Marilyn Monroe wore a size 8-10 and is considered to be one of the sexiest women of all time, I believe most men find a slightly more voluptuous woman extremely attractive.
Confidence aside, average or voluptuous appears to be men’s favorite body type but the media would have women believe otherwise.
Some men argue that women actually struggle to be skinny to impress other women, not men. In the same way men try to impress their male friends, some women try to be the skinniest or the hottest of their friends. Why are we spending so much time and energy trying to be so darn skinny when most men don’t even care for that look?
Read MoreLast week I had the pleasure of attending a launch party for a new business at a venue in my neighborhood. My close friend sent me the invite saying, “You write about this kind of stuff so I thought you’d want to check it out.” I looked at the picture of the flyer in his text and immediately thought it was a great business idea; sex toys from a vending machine, The PinkBox Vending Machine.
Read MoreSometimes we end up discussing our past sexual experiences with our current partner and we occasionally divulge certain fantasies to each other.
One thing women are often curious about is the obsession men have, ostensibly, with their desire for a threesome.
Threesomes seem to be on the top of the priority list for so many men, and I think it’s safe to say that most men have fantasized about having one at least once in their life.
But, how many of them actually go through with it and do the deed?
Read MoreWhat does he want to know or understand about you?…… Everything!
There are few men who truly “get” women. It’s not necessarily their fault because women often don’t know why they do the things they do. Men wonder why women change their minds on a whim, how their moods can swing from being perfectly happy one minute, to irritated and somewhat sullen the next. Many wonder why women overanalyze everything, ruminate about the same thing for days and are amazed at how they can remember everything a man ever said.
Read MoreWomen tend to think that the more successful they become, the more they will intimidate a man and oftentimes this gets used as an excuse for never finding Mr. Right.
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